Well, I have more than one bad habit, but for now I’ll just talk about one.
I had such a good time with my coworkers tonight…it was the first time I’ve been out since I moved home in May. Quite honestly, life has been fairly boring, so it was fun to get out and do something a little different. But on my way home, I went from feeling so elated from the night to…sad.
I couldn’t quite place my finger on it, but I thought about it more, and I began thinking about something I’ve noticed about myself.
My mom has called me out on it before, and I never thought she was right, but I realized recently that she is correct. Completely, and 100% right. Whoa, don’t tell her I said that. I have a tendency of looking at everyone else, and thinking they have it better than me.
I look at two of my best friends living together up in Boston. Both work at schools, doing jobs they love. Both in a happy relationship, living in an amazing apartment in Boston. I look at another one of my friends from school living up in Massachusetts. Her job is less-than-ideal for her, but overall, she’s happy and life is good (Elissa, I’m looking at you). Another one of my old roommates is living at home, but in a couple of months, she’s leaving to work in Bolivia for 9 months. I could go on and on about people I know, but I’ll refrain from doing so.
And then I look back at myself.
Yes, I have a good paying job. I’m lucky for that, and I know I am. But here I am, living at home. Back in a town I swore to myself I’d never return to. I’m saving up a lot of money, and I’m happy about that, as I know it will give me a lot of opportunities in the future, but still. I’m lost. I am not happy with any aspect of my life. I’m content with some parts, but content isn’t good enough. Life is too short to be merely content with things.
And I feel so stupid writing this and feeling this way. I know that I’m so fortunate to have everything I have and I also know that plenty of people look at me the way that I look at other people and think that I have everything. I know that no one has a perfect life; I get that. But something is missing for me. Something has been missing for a very long time and I don’t know what it is.
I feel like I’m going through the motions every single day. I feel like I wish the week away so it can be the weekend. I feel like I’m wasting time. I feel like I have no direction.